Walking in my wife's footsteps for 3 weeks

My wife is in Sweden for 3 weeks for her mother's birthday. I took 3 weeks leave from work to stay home and continue homeschooling our 3 kids. She gets back in 4 days. These have been one of the 3 hardest weeks of my life! From this experience I have a much greater appreciation and respect for my wife and other homeschooling mothers.

These are some of the challenges, "growth opportunities" and experiences that I have had since she has been away.

1. Meals - I am not a great cook, so was a bit apprehensive about what food to make the kids while mum was away. Before she left, Chels gave me some very helpful advice. "As long as they have some protein a day and some vegetables like a few slices of carrots or cucumber, along with some carbs then that is all they need". That idea of keeping it simple gave me some relief. She kindly left me with at least 15 home cooked frozen meals to heat up and we have definitely enjoyed the coconut chicken (Zavian's new favourite chicken dish), the lentils and pasta sauce. We have also had just the same fresh carrot sticks and cucumber along with red capsicum pieces for the last 17 days, but the kids don't seem to mind. We have had at least 3 dinners of 2 minute noodles, 3 meals of frozen party pies, and at least 4 scrambled egg dinners. Not sure how my wife has had the energy to make such delicious meals each night. Photo of kids and grandparents eating frozen pasta meal prepared by Chelsea before she left.

2. Homeschooling - Zavian aged 11 has never been to a formal school before. While Chels was away we decided that we should try Enkindle Village school with Cora. We have been homeschooling all 3 kids for the last 7 years, but since getting back from our World trip in July, Zavian in particular has struggled to get back into a learning routine and has been very resistant to any sort of maths or science at home for at least 4-6 weeks. So we have enrolled him in school and suprisingly he really enjoys it. On our first day, one of the first kids we met (Lawson) was wearing a rubics cube shirt (Zavi loved Rubics cube and can solve a 4x4 in 17 seconds) and that helped reassure Zavian that he was amongst kids with similar interests. Cora just fit in and has many friends, her best friend being a little maori girl called Aliyah. Photo below is the two kids on their first day of school at Enkindle, along with some art work.

3. Conflict resolution at school - Cora had an incident where another kid spied on her while in the bathroom getting changed. Cora found it very traumatic and would talk about it for about 4 days non-stop and would get quite tearful. We are very strict about personal privacy and boundaries, so it was certainly a challenge for her starting school last week and learning how to navigate other children with different boundary rules. When it happened she was very diplomatic at confronting the other child and said "Don't take this the wrong way [child's name] but why did you spy on me over the toilet wall?". The kid answered "I always do that, it is fun!". Anyway I had to talk to the teacher about it and Cora said that the teacher spoke to the entire class explaining that peeking at others in the toilet is not appropriate and should not be done. Cora felt validated and more at ease after the teacher did that. I appreciate the teacher following up on this situation. This is Cora's grade 2 teacher Miss Kat. Cora cried saying goodbye to her as she is leaving the school to help look after her sick father at the end of the year.

4. Cat pee - So about 2 months ago Chels got the family a little cat called Leo. I had refused to get a cat and despite me saying "no", they went and bought a cat anyway. I said that now it is everyone elses responsibility to look after the cat. So I was climbing into bed around midnight and it was a very hot night. I noticed that the centre of my bed was very nice and cold and refreshing while the other edge of my bed was warm, I sniffed the bed and realised it was urine! I knew that it wasn't me that pee'd the bed, so the only other possibility was Leo! I had to call up Chelsea to ask her "how do I wash a plastic mattress protector?" because I had never washed one of those before. It was very frustrating in the middle of the night. I suspect it may be related to Zorion not emptying Leo's litter box for 3 days and so it was full of faeces and urine so I suspect Leo didn't like to go to the litter box, so found another spot to urinate on! Photo of Leo lying on what used to be my bed, but now he has taken over and using it as his urinal.

5. Laundry - It was about day 6 since my wife had gone. Zavian was about to start school the next day. It was 8pm and Zavian says "Dad, I have no pants to wear tomorrow". I was shocked. Why did he not have any pants!? Does he not have enough pants? "Why do you not have any pants Zavian?". "Because you haven't done any laundry!". So I did 4 loads of laundry that night and had the dryer going for at least an hour to get Zavi some pants. About 4 days later Zorion complained about not having any more long pants so I did another load of laundry. But then I found a pile of clothes that I missed, so did a quick 15 minute cycle to clean those. But then 5 minutes later I went to the bathroom and realised I had found another big basket of laundry that I had also missed along with the socks, so did a third load in one night. Very frustrating. When I was hanging out 14 pairs of little socks, one by one with clothes pegs it made me really appreciate all the hard work Chelsea does each couple of days doing the laundry. It really is unrelentless, and you feel quite unappreciated since no one has ever said to me in the last 10 days "Oh, thanks Dad for doing the laundry, I am so glad I have pants to wear". I have never had my kids say that to me, but wish they would some times! Below is the sheets I had to wash, including my first experience washing a plastic mattress protector (on the far left).

6. Fridge death - So Zorion comes to my room in the morning and says, "Dad there is a bad smell in the fridge". I go in and see all the old fruit (rockmelon slices) have become mouldy and all the cheese is covered in fungus. There was a power outage at 3am a couple days ago and I suspect this is what caused the fridge to stop working. So I have to throw out about 75% of the entire fridge contents because it was rotten or expired. I wish Chels was here to help me clean up. Anyway I called an electrician from Mazlin who came in that afternoon and fixed it all up.

7. Zavian's grade 6 graduation - Along with missing the kids starting school, Chelsea also missed Zavian's primary school graduation which occured this afternoon. I had to help him organise a display table last night which had photos from 2022 along with his rubics cube collection and soccer medals / trophies.

8. Dishes - oh, man there were so many dishes that even if you miss one day, it just piles up. We had family dinner at our place and about 10 minutes before people arrive Zavian is setting the table and opens the draw and says "Dad, we have no clean plates". I just realised all the dirty plates were sitting in the dishwasher which had not been done. So I started the dishwasher and set the table with paper plates which worked out fine. Below is a photo of our kitchen table with dirty dishes... yes that is a cat walking along the edge next to the mouldy cheese.

9. Zorion's guitar - Chelsea also missed out on watching Zorion's guitar performance of goose by Polyphia at the homes school talent show. I was so proud. Zorion did an excellent job!

10. Zorion's first day at work - Along with the kids having their first day at school while mum was away, Zorion had his first ever day at work on Sunday 19th November 2022. He is doing retail at the shop "School locker". Most people think he sells shoes because of the other shop with a similar name "Shoe locker". He spent the day packing boxes, doing customer service, getting paper cuts, arranging shelves and learning how to use the till. He earns $13.50/hr but gets 1.5x on a Sunday which he loves. This is him out the front of the shop on his first 6 hour shift.

11. Exam paper marking - I had 400 exam papers to mark and they could not be removed to come home so I had to go into work on the weekdays and the weekends to get it all marked on time. Had to take Cora with me as could not leave her home with her brothers alone. Photo below is of us at James Cook Uni marking exam papers for 9 hours on a saturday.

12. Zorion's first bike ride - We have been trying to encourage Zorion to be more independent. This week with him starting his first job we decided it would be his first time to ride his bike at night. He rode to the youth church group on Friday night and rode back home again at 9pm. Very proud of his growing independence.

13. Twelve hours of driving - One of the most painful things about being a stay at home Dad is all the driving around taking the kids everywhere. Last Friday I spent 12 hours of my day driving from place to place. Below is the driving schedule of the activities I did:

8:30am Leave the house to drive kids to Enkindle School

10am Drive Zorion to High school Hangouts

12:45pm Drive Zorion to Lawn Bowls High School Sports

2:15pm Drive Zorion to Guitar lesson

2:45pm Leave Zorion and drive to pick up 2 kids at Enkindle school

3:10pm Leave Enkindle to pick up Zorion from Guitar lesson

4:30pm Drive Zavian to Indoor Soccer at Wildcatz

5:30pm Drive home to get dinner ready
6:30pm Drive Zorion to Willows Youth Group 

8:30pm Drive to pick up Zorion from Youth Group

 

Brain dump scribble to prepare this article:

In summary, these last 3 weeks have been a real time of growth for me and my relationship with my kids. I have grown a lot closer to them and gained confidence that I can cook, clean and educate my kids to a reasonable standard. I am so looking forward to having my partner in crime return to our home and be back in our lives. I have a deeper respect and understanding of all the hard work that my wife puts into the family and all the work that goes on behind the scenes that I was otherwise blissfully unaware of!

Wife's Notes:

Laundry, cooking, dishes and cleaning... yes it is un-relentless and, for the most part, a thankless job. I have been the one responsible for these tasks for over 14 years at the time this article was written, so am glad Zaf finally has a bit of appreciation and understanding for what it is like! Although three weeks is hardly a taste of what it's been like for years on end... or what it's like when kids are sick, or when I'm sick, or when we have guests staying, or when we get back from trips, and the list goes on of variables that increase the load considerably.

Many of the events I missed during my trip, I can think of numerous equivalents that Zaf has missed in previous years because he was working or travelling for work. I'm glad he has gotten to experience preparing the kids for some "firsts" and for some events like graduation, as I usually do all this on my own or with minimal input.  

I think what Zaf was experiencing during my time away was a bit of what it's like to have a mother's "mental load." This is a long list of things that women take care of as a default, and why they often feel overwhelmed. It's not that one task in itself is terribly hard, it is that there are dozens of tasks that need to be taken care of throughout the day, week, month and year which keep the household running smoothly. No one notices that every few months I go through the kids' clothes to get rid of what's too small and then go shopping to replace it. No one notices that I keep track of the dentist appointments to make sure everyone has regular checkups. No one notices that I have food on hand to cook for guests at a moments notice.  No one notices that I'm constantly looking up developmental milestones to ensure the kids are emotionally, socially and academically on track. No one notices that I get gifts for all the birthdays, within our family, friends of the kids, and all relatives. No one notices that I'm constantly reorganising the house to suit the needs of the family at any given time, to make routines easier to follow and belongings easier to access. But these are merely a few things that are going on in the background of my brain at any one point. Most of the tasks related to housekeeping and childrearing are, by default, left to the woman to take care of. 

In saying this, I have a very supportive husband who provides for our family and has never asked me to contribute monetarily for the upkeep of our home or the children's needs so I can focus on the house and kids instead of work outside. He encourages me to look after myself and has supported me in being a full time mother (officially homeschooling or not) for nearly 15 years. For this I am extremely grateful. I have no idea what it is like to be the "breadwinner" of the family and I am sure it comes with a lot of stressors I am blissfully unaware of, as well. I am truly thankful that we are a team that works together to raise our family and continue our journey together through all the worlds of God. I love you Zaf!